However you honour your loss, do it your way.
Content note: this post has themes of pregnancy loss, including miscarriage and stillbirth.
This month we mark Baby Loss Awareness Week. This is a week that I have struggled with over the years, after my early losses I felt that I somehow didn’t qualify for it, but even if someone had told me i did I wasn’t sure how or if I would have wated to mark it.
So I wanted to take this opportunity to say that there firstly, it doesn’t matter how far along in your pregnancy you were, Your loss counts and you deserve to honour it. And secondly, there really is no right way to grieve a pregnancy loss, you can do whatever feels right for you - some people plant a tree. Some mark a due date each year. Some light a candle once a year, and some do nothing at all. Every one of those is a valid.
Around the world
While the method varies from person to person, it's clear that honouring the loss of a pregnancy or infant is important across cultures. I found some beautiful examples from around the world and wanted to share them with you.
Germany: in many cemeteries, small graves covered in toys and pinwheels honour sternenkinder, star children. Since 2013, every stillborn baby in Germany can be registered and buried if parents wish, whatever their weight.
Japan: parents dress small stone Jizo statues in red bibs and knitted caps. Jizo is believed to protect the spirits of unborn and lost children, and at Zojoji Temple in Tokyo hundreds of statues stand in the Garden of Unborn Children.
The UK: the charity Sands has helped fund more than 100 memorial gardens, benches and plaques, including some in ordinary public parks.
Canada: the Little Spirits Garden in Victoria, British Columbia has small concrete "spirit houses", cedar memory flags hung in the trees, and stone tablets parents can personalise.
Honour it your way
You don't need a garden or a ceremony though to honour your loss. There are many small but equally as beautiful things you can do.
Light a candle as part of Wave of Light
Plant a flower or a tree
Go for a quiet walk to remember
Write a letter to the baby you lost, to the pregnancy, or to yourself
Say their name out loud, even if just to yourself
Mark a date that matters, such as a due date or the day you first found out, in whatever way feels right
Make or keep something small with you: a knitted hat, a scan photo, a small crystal
It's OK to do nothing
This matters too. Weeks such as Baby and pregnancy loss Awareness Week can feel like they demand a response, and I know I've felt guilty for not taking part. But you do not have to mark the week. You do not have to light a candle, post a photo or visit anywhere. Some people find rituals healing, and some find them too much, or simply not for them. Keeping the pregnancy, and the baby you hoped for, in your heart is enough. Not marking it at all, or changing what you do from year to year doesn't mean it didn't matter, or that you've forgotten.
If you'd like to join in, on Thursday 15 October at 7pm, people around the world light a candle for the Wave of Light and let it burn for at least an hour. If you'd rather spend the evening quietly, you are part of the wave too.
If you need support
Sands, Tommy's and the Miscarriage Association all offer support for anyone affected by pregnancy loss, however early, and whether it happened last week or decades ago. If you're struggling please do get help, you can find contact details on our Urgent Support page.
